South Park: Dr Perfection
by Aceheroic
Summary: (Filler) As the one year anniversary of the break up of Stan and Wendy gets Stan down, he gets sent to the last person that he wants help from. Meanwhile, Eric begins a major business that 'helps' relationships in peril. (Patch #1: Made some alterations to select dialogue, nothing major. )


**South Park:**

 **Dr. Perfection**

The scene opens with a smooth guitar tune, as 3 of the 4 boys were standing next to the yellow crossing sign. Kyle was busy on his phone, Stan was feeling emotional, and Kenny was giggling at a hot chick magazine.

Kyle took notice of Stan being so quiet and blue. "Dude, this is like the 3rd day in a row. You gotta sleep sometime." He said as Stan yawned.

"I know, I know, it's just… I don't know. I guess after an entire year since Wendy left me, I just don't know what to anymore. I feel, empty." He said.

"Jeez man we gotta get you laid." Kenny muffled behind his orange hood.

"FELLAS!" Butters shouted coming up beside them in a nice suit.

"OH NO," Kyle interrupted. "Let me guess, fatso wants you to tell us to drop the restraining order, right?" he asked.

"I-, oh, yeah he did. How did you know?" Butters asked.

"Because almost every time, Cartman would ask you to tell us something, and we really don't listen or give a shit about what he has to say." Stan explained.

"Well, it's kind of different. I started charging Eric and everyone else for spreading the word about. Dad told me about economics, and he said if I didn't want to be a homeless bum, I better start charging for my services, or I'll get grounded." Butters said twiddling his fingers. "He sent me because he couldn't get within 100 feet of you, and you haven't been answering his texts for 2 weeks straight."

"That's right, and I've should've had that restraining order on him done years ago. Tell fat ass when he wants to have it removed, and when he wants to be friends with us again, he can behave and apologize for ripping on the Jewish community, for making the worst, ungodly offensive, and burf inducing Jew joke ever spoken!" Kyle aggressively shouted.

"Oh, okay fellas. But Eric paid me so, can I least just say what he paid me to say?" he asked.

Stan sighed. "Alright." He said.

Butters giggled with excitement. "Thanks, Eric is running a Love Therapy Service, that was founded to help others with broken hearts heal!" he said with a smile but only getting laughs from the 3 boys.

"ERIC? LOVE THERAPIST?! THAT'S FUCKING STUPID!" Kenny muffled as the other two laughed harder.

Kyle calmed down. "Oh geez, that was too funny." He said as Stan nodded in agreement.

Butters just looked at them with a blank face. "I don't get it."

Kyle wiped a tear. "Okay Butters, here's what you can tell Cartman about his business." He said smiling.

* * *

The scene changes to Eric's basement, the room was converted into a comforting room with a large chair facing a love seat, a few pictures of fake diplomas and licenses to practice "Th3ropee", and a raging fat kid in a suit.

"THAT SON OF A BITCH! GODDAMN JEW AND LOATHER!" Eric shouted as he ran up to Butters. "So Kyle thinks my business, my LIGIT BUSINESS, is gay?!"

"No, Kenny said that it was gay. Kyle said it was 'As fucking retarded as the fat boy running it.'" Butters corrected.

Eric raged out and threw a fit. "THIS IS NOT FUCKING FAIR! This fucking restraining order is PISSING ME OFF! I have poor and Jew jokes up the ass, ready to use, but I can't use them because of this PIECE OF TOILET PAPER THAT ISN'T EVEN WORTHY OF WIPING MY ASS WITH!" he shouted holding up the order.

Butters coward a bit. "Um, well, Kyle also said if you apologize to the Jews, maybe they'll drop the order?" Butters suggested but fell on mostly raged filled ears.

"Fuck, that. I'm not giving that red headed day walker the satisfaction." He said calming down. "I'm just going to prove to him how mature, kind, and professional I am with my clients." He said as there was a knock at the door. "Oh, sweet my 3 o'clock is here. You know where the door is Mr. Stotch." Eric said in his 'adult' voice.

Butters saluted and ran out the door, making room for an odd couple coming down. "I-is this the service that blond kid told us about?" the woman asked as her huffing husband came down with her.

"Yes, indeed and are you uh," he then looked at his notes. "Gary and Susan Parker?" he asked.

"Oh yes!" Susan said coming down with her husband.

"Please have a seat and we'll start off by asked one of you, what is going on. Starting with you, Susan." Eric said.

"W-well, it was going fine for the last 8 years doctor, but then… something started to change." Susan started crying.

Gary rolled his eyes. "Oh, here we go."

Susan noticed that and went on the assault. "AND THIS IS THE ATTITUDE I'M TALKING ABOUT! You don't even want to hear me out, you lazy prick!"

"HEY! I work my ass off to give you everything you ever need you stuck up whore!" Gary shot back.

"OH! I'M THE WHORE! Last week you paid the cleaning lady to do 'extra' cleaning for you in the bed room. OUR BED ROOM!" she shouted as Eric rang a bicycle bell.

Eric sat it down. "So, the problem is that Gary," he points both his fingers at him. "You can't satisfy her in the slightest, and Susan, you can't pleasure him. I think I know exactly what you need to do." He said getting up and giving Susan a whip. "Now, say… respect my authoritah, while teaching your husband not to make sweet love to anyone else but you, by whipping him."

Susan looked at the whip. "Um, are you sure?" she asked as her husband shared the same expression.

"You want me to heal your marriage or not? It's simple. Respect, my Authoritah." Eric said.

Susan blinked and looked at her husband. "Uh, r-respect my authority?"

"NO!" Eric interrupted. "Re-SPECT! MY AUTHORITAH!" he shouted.

Susan then went off the deep end and shouted: "RESPECT MY AUTHORITAH!" as she whipped her husband.

"OW! WHAT THE HELL!" Gary shouted as Susan became drunk with power.

"YEAH, BITCH! RESPECT ME! RESPECT ME AND MY AUTHORITAH!" she said as she kept whipping.

After chuckling for 5 minutes, Eric rang the bell. "Alright Susan. Now Gary… do you feel compelled to ask that maid to "clean", some extra stuff for you again?" he asked the shaking husband.

"N-no?" he asked as his wife was giving him an evil smile.

"Then it appears we have successfully healed your marriage, my god bring your peace, and also you can just pay in cash." Eric said as he made his first 50 bucks.

"Thank you doctor, can I keep this?" she asked.

"Go right ahead." Eric replied as Susan walked her beaten husband up the stairs. Eric smelled the green. "Ah, sweet. Wait until Kyle hears about this." He said.

* * *

The school bell rang the next day, Kyle and Stan were exercising in the gym. Kyle again notice Stan getting more sleepy and barely kept up with his sit ups.

"Come on dude, you're not going to pass gym if you're not sleeping at all." Kyle said rotating to jumping jacks.

Stan didn't notice the rotation and kept doing sit ups. "I can't stop thinking about her! Wendy was everything to me." He said tearing up.

Kyle slowed up and sat at the cool down bell. "Listen to me Stan. For the last few weeks it's been "Wendy" this and "Wendy" that. Wendy is genderfluid now, she's given up on getting together with guys." Kyle told him the facts.

Stan stopped and sighed. "I just… don't know anymore." He said.

Kyle was sick of the loathing but also sick of watching Stan beat himself up. He then spotted a group of girls coming in to get ready for gym. "I'll be right back." He said heading over to the bleachers where the girls gathered at.

Bebe was stretching and gossiping with the others. "Have you heard about the sell on the Rugars Style fur boots? Those are so cute and they-," she then notices Kyle walking up to her. "Oh, hey Kyle." She said smiling while the other girls giggled.

"Hey um, can I talk to you for a sec?" Kyle asked as he also kept an eye on Stan.

"I guess if I must. Brb!" she said to her friends and walked to the other side of the bleachers. "So, what's up?" she asked with a smile.

"I know you're the gossiper of this school, so I know I'm talking to the right person for the job, does any other girl except for Wendy have a crush on Stan?" he asked.

"To the point huh? Well you came to the right girl, but I'm afraid no one has a crush on him." She said.

"Wait, nobody?!" Kyle asked shocked.

"Well yeah, Stan is a loather. He brings down the mood everywhere he goes." She said honestly as they saw Stan fail at jump rope.

"Darn it. There has to be someone or someway to help Stan get out of this state. How does Wendy still feel about things?" he asked.

"Wendy is not to fond of the idea of getting back together with Stan, plus she's out of town protesting to save the environment." She answered.

"Damn it. What else is there?" he asked openly.

Bebe sighed. "I can't believe I'm suggesting this… but does Stan have a restraining order on Cartman like you do?" she asked.

"No, why?"

"Believe it or not, Cartman's new business is booming and he's actually saved and helped 15 relationships and heartbreaks yesterday. Maybe you can try there?" she asked.

"Oh no, I'm not resorting to that Jew hating psycho path for help." He said.

"Well sorry bro, it's all I got." Bebe said shrugging her shoulders.

Kyle turned back to Stan. He saw him just standing there letting the heartbreak get to him again. Kyle inhaled at the thought to asking for Eric's help, but sighed as he couldn't let this go on anymore. "Thanks, Bebe," he said.

"No p, Kyle, and if you ever want to hear any gossip about you, let me know." She said walking off.

Kyle was curious about was gossiping about him, but realized that he had bigger fish to fry and kept her proposal in mind.

* * *

After school let out, Stan journeyed to Cartman's house, he knocked on the door and saw that Eric's mother answer the door. "Yes? OH STAN! It's you! How have you been?" she asked.

Stan stood awkwardly. "Fine."

"That's good. Eric is down stairs, I believe he said he was expecting you?" she asked.

"Yeah," Stan said remembering that phone call he was forced to make by Kyle.

"Well then, head on in." she said as Stan nodded, walked inside, and headed to the basement. As he got down the steps, he overheard Eric talk to a client.

"You see, your break up was so traumatic, it made you question if you have the will to live, and the answer is, you do deserve your will to live, but you should ask yourself, does she deserve HER will to live?" Eric asked to the young man.

The young man then wiped his tears. "Maybe you're right! Thanks doc, I'll see you next week?" he asked paying for the service.

"I'd be disappointed if you didn't come back." Eric answered before taking a sip of apple juice.

The young man left up the stairs as Stan made way for him.

Eric looked up at the stair case. "AH! Stan, welcome back, have a seat." He said as Stan came down and did exactly that.

Stan then looked at Eric with suspicion. "I heard you fixed 15 hearts?" he asked.

"Yep, well, it's 29 now, but numbers aren't important right now," he stated as he sat down. "What is important is you, Mr. Marsh. Your loathing and depression has made you very anti-social, and you have become a downer since your hippy tree hugger left to go hug trees that will never hug her back." Eric deduced.

Stan sighed. "This better be worth it, Cartman." He said.

"Don't worry, we'll kick the living loath out of you, and you'll finally, possibly convince Kyle to let me back into the grou-,"

"Sorry, can't do that."

"…Damn, alright, time for the healing process to begin!" Eric proclaimed.

* * *

The next day at school began with everyone chatting and getting everything from their lockers. But as the crowds began to move, they were stopped by the doors opening, the figure in the blinding light was slant and had one hand on their hip. As the light faded, the girls laid eyes upon a new and improved Stan Marsh. He wore sunglasses, a leather jacket, his jeans were down enough to expose light blue boxers, and he replaced his baby blue undershirt with a dark blue one with a monster truck on it. He pulled down his glasses to expose his stress-free eyes and pushed them back up when the girls fainted onto the ground.

In a douche bag style, he walked over to Kyle and Kenny as they were getting their books. Kyle too an immediate look at Stan and gawked at the results. "Holly shit dude, that fat bastard made Stan actually look… cool." He said to a nodding Kenny.

Stan stood against the lockers next to Kyle and Kenny and gave a smirk. "Like the look? I figure since that dumb dumper is out of my mind, I'm feeling free to take up some," he then stopped and noticed a bunch of girls walk by. "...steaming hot, smart, likable, young empowered women." He said charming them by using the magic words in one sentence. The girls sighed and fainted.

Kyle stared at the downed girls in disbelief and looked back up at Stan. "Dude. You just, made those girls faint with just your stare dude!" he said.

"Yeah man! The chicks are wet for you bro!" Kenny muffled in excitement.

"Wet? Maybe they just came from the showers." Stan said not getting the joke. "But what evs, I'll see you in class." Stan added as he left to charm other girls on his way to class.

Kyle and Kenny looked at Stan as he walked. "Jesus dude, he's like a whole different kid." Kyle said as Kenny nodded.

"Yeah dude, he's like… the ultimate douche bag… but kills the chicks faster than they can realize he's being a douche!" Kenny muffled still shocked by Stan's looks.

"Yeah… the invincible douche bag." Kyle said.

* * *

Meanwhile, Eric was singing up the steps of Fox's office building to pitch his new show idea. After getting to the room on the top floor, he set up his pitch material and drank some double dew as the head and his staff came in to sit before him. "Alright Mr. Cartman, we have a busy schedule so let's get this under way." The head said taking a drink of coffee.

"Thank you for your time. I am Dr. Eric Cartman. Today I have with me a pitch that will touch hearts of millions, and give the people the tender advice they truly deserve. I call it, Dr. Eric. This will be a talk show where I will show the world how I treated 76 people of their heart breaks, and helped marriage grow again. This kick ass idea will also make us, a shit ton of money, and will finally rival a certain other show and eventually overtake him in the ratings, because he's a big bald douche. All I need is a green light, and sign me on for...let's say...a 22-season deal?" He asked.

The executives thought about at his idea and talked it over among themselves. "Rabble, Rabblerabblerabble, rabbalrabbal?"

The head then asked: "You have an interesting proposition, but before we give our decision, tell us: are you a licensed therapist? If so, which college did you receive your training and doctorate?"

Eric thought for a moment while sweating. "I am licensed, and I went to Pen State." He lied.

The business woman then added. "You really don't look to be of age to be doing this kid." She said before getting slapped by the HR woman.

"Age discrimination is against this company's policy! Keep your microaggressions to yourself!" She expressed as the business woman sat quietly.

The head then looked at Eric and smiled. "You know what, you have a brought a really good idea to this table. Taking on Dr. Phil will be this company's greatest feat! Alright, Dr. Eric, you're green lit. We'll just need to take care of another show and you'll go live." He said as Eric jumped high.

"YES! Thank you, my fine gentleman. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to… settle some scores back home." He said leaving.

"Alright," the head said. "Bring Seth, we better tell him the bad news."

As he requested, Seth came in. "Y-yes? Mr. Executive?" Seth asked.

"Time to pack up the writing staff and shut down. We are taking Family Guy off the air for a brand-new show. I'm sorry if this seems sudden to you." He said.

Seth looked at him and then hopped onto the desk. "YES! THANK YOU, LORD! WE'RE FREE!" Seth shouted running out the door.

The head sighed. "So crushed. That poor man." He said taking off his glasses.

* * *

Meanwhile at the school cafeteria, Kyle, Clyde, Craig, Tweek, and Butters were all eye spying on Stan, as he was surrounded by girls at another table.

"Jesus, and Eric did all that?" Clyde asked.

Butters nodded. "Yeah! And he's so douche baggy, that a person would faint before they got a chance to tell him he's a douche bag to his face." He stated.

"I'll believe it when I see it." Kyle countered.

"Holly shit dude, well if I was still attracted to girls, I would love to get Cartman to turn me into an unstoppable douche bag. That'll make me so~ happy." Craig said eating his lunch and waited for Tweek to respond.

"Hmmm," Tweek said getting caught staring at Stan's ass.

Craig looked at Tweek and got jealous. "H-hey!" He shouted but Tweek kept staring.

"Huh?" Tweek only asked keeping his eyes on Stan.

"What's the big idea! My ass is more better than his!" He claimed.

Tweek twitched. "Oh? How did you know I was staring at Stan's ass?"

Craig blushed but turned back to his meal. "Because you always stare at my ass the most." He said as Tweek chuckled but kept admiring the ass of Stan.

"This is bullshit. Stan can't be this douche baggy. It should be a crime!" Craig stated.

"Well, it's better than Downer Turd Stan. I'm glad he found the will to move on!" Kyle said as someone came up behind him.

"Hey guys." Wendy said wearing a save the trees t-shirt and holding a picket sign. "Who's found the will to move on?" She asked.

"Oh, hey Wendy, how was the protest?" Kyle asked.

"Went good, we managed to get a bill passed to save a reserve in Denver. So tell me, who is it?" She asked smiling.

"Stan." Everyone said pointing to the hot boy across the room.

Wendy stopped and gawked at the boy in dark blue, chatting away with the giddy girls and getting all the attention of the gay, twitchy, blond boy.

"T-that's Stan?" She asked in disbelief of how much he changed. "But I thought he was just the downer like he was on Wednesday."

"Not anymore, apparently Cartman helped him...Tweek!" Craig shouted at Tweek for staring at Stan's ass, but also saw that shouting didn't even faze him.

"CARTMAN?! That's... unbelievable. I better go and have a chat with him." Wendy stated as she then slowly approached the table.

"Oh Stan, tell me again what you think of me?" A girl holding Stan's hand asked with lust.

Stan raised a brow and smirked. "You look fine, bitch. Dat ass don't lie." He said as the girl fainted onto the floor.

Wendy heard the comment and was steaming as she came up to him. "Hey! You don't call her a bitch you dou-... douc-..." she then stopped as Stan turned his attention to her. Her face lit up and started breathing heavily. "Dou...do..." she said giving him a stupid smile.

"Oh, hey," Stan said sounding uninterested in seeing her.

Wendy was just staring at him. "Um... Stan? You... you, changed?" She asked unable to break the spell he put her under.

"Yeah, no thanks to you." He said as he got up with the girls.

"W-wait, what's that supposed to mean?" She asked seeing everyone leave.

"I don't need you anymore. Cartman was right, you were just manipulating me, dumping me and getting back with me just to dump me again, well bitch, you can't fix me? Well you can't fix yourself." He said snapping his finger at her and leaving with the girls giggling.

Wendy stood there, alone. She then fainted onto the floor, unable to fathom being turned down by such a big douche bag.

Butters blinked. "Called it." He said getting up and leaving with Clyde at the lunch bell.

Kyle saw the scene play out and said: "Damn, not even Wendy could stop his douchiness."

"I know, right?" Kenny muffled.

"Well, at least he'll stop being a loather, I guess. Tweek do you, want to-, Tweek?" Craig asked looking at Tweek's empty seat. He then looked at Stan's group and saw that Tweek was following him out. Craig then slammed his fists on the table. "STAN THAT SON OF A BITCH TOOK MY BOY!" he shouted getting extremely jealous.

"Holly, cow dude calm down." Kyle said.

Craig flipped him off. "I'm not going to calm down! He's going to pay!" He shouted getting up and walking out the door after the group.

Kyle and Kenny were left at the table and unfortunely finished the school day without Stan in company.

After getting off the bus at the crossing sign, Kyle and Kenny were dropped off while Butters caught up after getting off as well.

"Hey fellas! Eric just sent me over to talk to you again." He said.

Kyle sighed. "Look, tell him that helping our friend isn't going to be enough to lift the order off of h-,"

"But it's not about that at all." Butters said as he continued. "Eric told me the following: 'Hey guys, I'm just going to tell you, that I really hate you guys. I don't need to earn your friendship back, because I have moved on to the big time. I'll make plenty of friends at the top on my brand-new show coming out this Friday. You all have been good to me, but now you can suck my balls you stink'in Jew and dirt-poor rat. Fuck you guys, Doctor Eric Cartman. P.S…. nahnahnahnahnaaaaana! I got my own show~, and you guys didn't~ nehnehnehnehneh~NAH!' End of message." Butters said.

Kyle gawked at Butters. "Cartman's new show?!"

"Holly shit dude!" Kenny commented next.

* * *

"TONIGHT, ON FOX! The brand-new hit show, Dr. Eric is bringing in a relationship in peril!"

Craig was on tv. "It all started with just a stare, now my boyfriend's addicted to a douche bag's ass."

Tweek was freaking out on tv. "I DON'T KNOW! At first, I was just giving my friend a passing glance, but GRAH! It's becoming an addiction! I'm cat-catching glimpse of his ass… in my dreams!"

"Will this first couple be too much for Dr. Eric too handle?! Well tune in tonight at 7 on the Fox Network!"

The tv then shut off as a big, middle aged, bald, and big mustached man got up and looked at his advisors. "Now, I'm going to say this once, who the fuck, does this kid think he is?"

The advisor stepped up. "I-I don't know sir, but he's replaced family guy on the network, so it must be good!"

"That's bad, okay, I don't need another Oprah, okay, coming up and rivaling me in the show business." He said looking out the window behind him.

"Doctor, what do you suggest we do? Should we sue Dr. Eric?" his lawyer asked.

"No, I want you to, and follow me on this, take him out, okay, and teach him, to never, fuck, with Dr. Phil McGraw." Dr. Phil ordered.

* * *

The bell rang on a cold Friday morning as the kids were talking about two things, Eric's new show, and the fact that Stan's douchie personality has taken on a whole new look, now making girls faint at the scent of his presence.

He walked up the Kyle and Kenny's locker. "Hey bros." he said as the girls nearby dropped like flies.

Kenny broke the silence. "Fucking hell dude! The next time you come in a hotter outfit, you'll put these chicks in the hospital!" he muffled.

"I know, I have like 1150 text messages from these chicks already, and I'm still trying to text one of them." He said leaning against the lockers.

Kyle then closed his locker. "Hey Stan? I know we sent you to get your loathing under control, but I wanted to ask you, could you bring your douchness down a notch?" He asked.

Stan stopped. "Why would I do that?" he asked.

"Because you're stealing all the chicks dude!" Kenny shouted.

"Yeah and you're even more douche baggy than yesterday." Kyle said.

Stan seemed really annoyed. "Oh yeah?! It was your idea Kyle, because nobody would hear me out! But Eric did. He heard me and helped me. Now that I'm not a downer, I finally became the person this school needs! But now, oh no! I'm too douche! Well I don't need the both of you! You guys will never be what I am. You're below me!" he shouted.

Kyle was visibly hurt. "B-but Stan…"

"Cartman was right about you two, I can't believe I stuck around a Jew and a poor bitch." He stated as he walked away.

Kyle turned around to see his friend walk away. He then grew angry. "Never mind, he's now a self-centered DOUCHE!" Kyle shouted.

When Wendy saw Stan pass by, she put on her sunglasses so she wouldn't be affected by Stan again, and then stepped out to confront him. "Hey Stan! Wait up." She walked after him and stopped him.

Stan turned around. "What is it?" he asked.

Wendy was red face, but her protective shades worked. "U-um Stan, I just wanted to apologize to you. I-I didn't want to hurt you the first time, and the last time, you and the guys did deserve it after you bashed an innocent kid's electronics, but please, forgive me, I-,"

"You don't have to say anymore." Stan said.

"Y-you forgive me?" she asked.

"Yeah, I forgive you, for nothing!" he shouted as he exposed his eyes to her and caused her to faint. He then walked away as Wendy started tearing up.

"What happened to my Stan?" she asked herself.

* * *

"Ladies and gentlemen, Eric Cartman." The announcer said as Eric came onto stage.

"Hello, hello," Eric called as the crowds cheered. "Tonight, we have a very special case of two loves, torn apart by an ass. This is Craig and Tweek everybody." He said as the camera transitions into a short video about them.

"It all started a week ago. I was just having lunch with my friends and boyfriend when, Stan Marsh came and took him." Craig said as the scene showed a dramatization of Tweek's actor staring at Stan's actor's ass.

"I-I didn't realize I was d-d-oing it!" Tweek said in the video. "I-It was like my brain was hot-wired to stare!" he said spazzing out.

Craig reappeared frowning and flipping off the camera. "If anything, it's Stan's fault."

Tweek reappeared crying. "I didn't mean t-t-, GAH! Hurt him!"

The video transitions out to a sighing Eric. "This is a travesty indeed. Folks, welcome these two young lovers." He said presenting them sitting down on the love seat with Craig flipping everyone off, and Tweek twitching on stage.

Eric sat down. "Alright you two, let's get down to it. Craig, your boyfriend is what I call, an Assoholic, addicted to looking at men's asses, including your own, and maybe other boy's asses, but it is something that can be easily treated in one episode." He said pulling up a book of asses. "Now Tweek, tell me if you recognize any of these asses." He said turning to 'Ass One'

"Um… Kevin Spacey!" he answered as Eric turned to the next page. "Um, Freddie Mercury!" Eric turned the page. "OHOH! That's Stan Marsh!" he said giddy as Eric turned to the last page. That picture stumped Tweek. "Um… I… think its…"

"Come on, take your time Tweek. Whose ass is this? Don't be shy to guess." He said.

"Um… Niel Patrick Harris?" Tweek asked as Eric shook his head.

"In order to start the healing process, you both need to know whose ass, this belongs too." Eric said taking the picture out and unfolding it to reveal Craig's upper body.

Craig was visually hurt. "T-Tweek… you didn't recognize my own ass?" he asked.

Tweek twitched violently. "I-I-I-, it was hard to remember every ass I se-, I mean, not remember, OH GOD!"

Craig clenched his teeth. "YOU WERE CHECKING OUT THE ASS OF EVERY DUDE BUT MINE?!" he shouted as the audience "oh" at the scene before them.

"I'm sorry Craig! GAH! I mean, you do have a nice ass, it's just others seem more well-crafted, and tight looking…" he said thinking too deep into it.

"OH! So my ass is not well-crafted and tight to you, huh?!" Craig shouted letting his anger out.

"Now, now Craig, let's calm down and discuss how we are going to fix this." He said as the two were hesitant on listening. "Let's start off with the obvious. Tweek's Assoholism is treatable and can be treated in one simple treatment."

Eric then stood Craig up, and putting a leash on Tweek and getting him on all fours near Craig's ass. "This is technically called: Bacterial Rectal Oral Walker Nullification and Needlessly Open Seduction Erectionist. Also known in short, as B.R.O.W. N. N.O.S.E. For the next 2-3 weeks, Tweek will take in the smells, the looks, and the feel of Craig's ass. Trust me, I have done this before and the couple have never been so close to one's ass before." He said as Craig and Tweek looked at each other while the crowds clapped.

"Jeez with such a medical term, it must be real!" an audience member said believing the crap.

* * *

In the dressing room, Eric was spending some alone time in the bath tub. "Eh, it's so ce-ool to be me." He said as there was a knocking at the door. "GO AWAY I'M IN THE TUB! Asshole." He called to the door and whispered to himself.

The door was then kicked in. Eric scrambled. "DUDE WHAT THE FUCK?! FUCK OFF!"

"No, why don't you fuck off before you get hurt." A dude in a suit came in with a bunch of balding tough guys.

"W-what do you want?!" Eric demanded as he got his robe.

"I represent Dr. Phil and his legal team, and we must insist that you shut your operations down!" the lawyer shouted as Cartman growled.

"Dr. Phil? Shut down my show?! Fuck that, that bald headed freak can suck my ballz!" he shouted as the thugs came over held Eric by the hair. The lawyer then came face to face with Eric. "YOU TELL FOX TO CANCEL THIS SHOW, OR THEIR STAR GETS HIS LEGS BROKEN!" he shouted as they let Eric fall. "You have been warned." He said as he left with his thugs.

Eric wheezed at the thought of having his legs broken and stared at the door in fear.

"Eric, your ratings last night are through the roof! You have done it my boy!" the head of Fox said at the meeting the day after the show.

"Um, thanks? Listen, things have come up, and I have to um, take care of some other problems. So, if you can take the show off air, that would be great." Eric suggested while attempting to leave the room.

"You can't leave Eric." The head said.

"W-why?" Eric asked as 3 guys with guns came up behind him.

"Because we can't let you, Doctor. Let me explain to you what we really are about. The reason why the Simpsons and Family Guy went on for so long, long after the jokes became less funny, and the show became boringly more main stream, is because we never allowed it to die on their own." The head said. "Since you filled in for Family Guy, our ratings have never been higher. We tried to cancel some yes, but only after we realized that their monetary value was more significant and never ending, that we allowed shows that stopped being funny to continue on as per normal. Even when the creators are all maxed out, remaking episodes, and they can't stop because we won't let them stop. Don't you see? Once you sign on, doctor, you're here forever at Fox." He laughed as his staff laughed with him.

Eric stared at them and sweated. "Ah, shit."

* * *

Meanwhile at Tom's Rhinoplasty, Stan was there on his mom's day off with the confused doctor looking over his choice. "Um, Stan, you know your mom won't like me changing your nose, right?" he asked.

"I don't care, just, do it. I have to change, and it's time to change once again, to finally be… perfect." Stan said behind the chair.

"Alright… well, here goes nothing." The doctor said performing the transplant

Walking down the street, Wendy, Kyle, and Kenny were out and about trying to track down Stan. "Alright, we have to snap Stan out of this and figure out what Cartman did to him." Kyle said as they neared the Rhinoplasty.

But as soon as they walked near the entrance, they saw a figure come out. The camera was angled at Stan's leg, but the shocked expressions on his friend's faces proved that Stan has changed dramatically.

Kyle's mouth was wide open. "S-S-Stan?!" he asked.

"Hey Ky, hey Ken, hey Skank." Stan said as the scene revealed Stan's face. He now looked like a cut and paste picture of Nicholas Hoult's face with Stan's hat on top.

Wendy couldn't take the look anymore and clenched her near, un-beating heart. "S-S-S-S-Stan… to… perfect." She said before passing out.

"Dude she's fucking right!" Kenny muffled as Kyle stood there, unable to speak and fathom Stan's face right now.

"Well, thanks you guys. Now that I am arguably perfect in every way, I am no longer the Stan everyone used to hate. Now if you'll excuse me, I have someone to thank." He said as he walked away. As he walked, everyone around him gasped, fainted, got run over, or ran into the nearby buildings, and even Big Gay Al and Mr. Slave fainted both saying: "Jesus Christ!" when Stan passed them by.

Craig and Tweek, still on their treatment, were bot walking down the same side walk, when Stan walked by. Tweek looked away from Craig's ass and gasped at Stan's ne- "Tweek! Bad boyfriend bad!" Craig shouted pulling Tweek's attention back to his ass.

Kyle was standing there while Wendy groaned in her sleep. "Kenny?"

"Yeah?"

"I think we witnessed the ultimate douche bag, but calling him that just isn't doing him justice anymore." He said.

"So what do we do?" Kenny asked.

"I-, I don't know. Let's get Wendy back to my place and look up on how to figure this out." He said as Kenny helped him carry the knocked-out girl.

After doing some research online at home, Kyle managed to find a group that deals with these kinds of problems. "Ah-ha, here it is, according to this, there is a squad of people that deals with absolutely perfect human beings. Looks like they're called: 'Lemming's Sue Hunters.'" He said as he also found a number he could call. "Let's give them a call." He said dialing their phone number while Kenny placed a cold cloth on Wendy's forehead.

The phone rang for 2 seconds before someone picked up sounding unhealthy. "'ELLO?"

"Hi, is this Lemming's Sue Hunters?" Kyle asked.

"YUS. WHAT SEEMS TO BE THE PROBLEM?" the person asked.

"We have a friend that has become… perfect." Kyle said.

There was a silence before the caller abruptly said: "Be there in five." They said hanging up.

After 5 minutes, the door rang before 3 people busted in.

Kyle screamed. "DUDE, WHAT THE FUCK!" he shouted as the announcer introduced them.

"LEMMING'S SUE HUNTERS! That's right, Lemming's Sue Hunters is a force for the good of individualism, and is the voice of the imperfect. They are: Ben Lemming, a fat guy who believes perfection is an evil that needs to be destroyed. Gen Lemming, a very skinny red head who believes that imperfections are the key to our future; and now introducing their latest member: AL GORE! Who was so lonely and had no friends, he was practically brought on with little to no experience. Together they are: LEMMING'S SUE HUNTERS! Buy their new merch at Lemming'sSueHunters .com."

Kyle looked at the former Vice President and asked: "Al Gore?! What are you doing here?!" he asked.

"I joined this group on my never-ending quest to hunt down Manbearpig! Excelsior!" he shouted breathing heavily.

Ben whispered to Kyle. "He was at the donut shop the other day, and loathed on us to let him join." He then got back up. "So, I heard you have a sue problem?"

"Well, it's mostly a 'too douchie' kind of problem." Kyle said as he recapped the last week.

After the quick debriefing, Ben gasped. "Well, now I know what we're dealing with."

Kyle shot up a smiled. "You do?!"

"Yeah, what you have here is something called a 'Mary Douche', which is a combination of a Mary Sue and a Douche Bag, seeking to become perfect after a big traumatic experience." He explained.

"Oh, so, how do we stop him?" Kenny asked.

"Simple, we walk up to him and shoot him in the face." Ben said.

Kyle growled. "We are not killing my friend! Why the hell would you suggest doing that?!"

"Didn't you hear the announcer bro? Perfection must die, or else nobody would tell the difference anymore!" he said as Kyle had a hard time believing what he was hearing.

Gen stopped him. "Ben, maybe we can go without killing anyone this time." She suggested.

"But I have the gun!" he said throwing a fit.

"We'll do it next time with a gun Ben, we have to save someone who believes they need to be perfect." She said as Ben holstered the gun.

"'Kay," Ben said as he then asked: "So where's the Sue?"

Kyle shrugged. "He said something about thanking someone, but I don't know wh-,"

They were then interrupted by the TV. "Tonight, on a special episode of Dr. Eric. Eric's stunning achievement of mending a broken heart, has come back to give an update about his life after his visit with the good doctor."

"That's it! That must be Stan!" Kyle said. "We have to get there now!" he said as Al Gore mentioned:

"I can take you all there in my private jet! Excelsior!" he said as sue hunters ran out.

Kyle and Kenny were about to go when Wendy came up to them. "Wait! What's going on?"

"Stan's going on Cartman's new show! We have to confront him." Kyle said.

"Take me with you." She begged. "Please, I know I will faint every time I see his glorious, handsome, and… devilishly fine cheeks~." She said as she shook her head. "Sorry, please let me go with you!"

"Dude, she'll faint on us. She won't be much help." Kenny muffled.

Kyle weighed the options. "Well, yeah. But Wendy has talked Stan out of things before, I think we need a plan to get her on the same stage with him, without her even needing to lay an eye on him." Kyle said figuring something out.

* * *

"Ladies and gentlemen! Dr. Eric!" the announcer called as Eric slowly and cautiously walked onto stage.

"G-good evening fans… tonight, I-I have a special guess. Uh, please welcome… Stan Marsh." Eric said as the crowds cheered for the near perfect Stan walk up stage to the song: 'Too Sexy'. As he walked across stage, every girl screamed jumping for the Marsh.

Eric looked about and spotted some shady guys hanging out in the crowds. He gulped before heading to the chair. "S-s-so Stan. W-welcome back. How have things been?" he asked feeling the lasers already aiming at his head.

Stan smiled. "It's actually been awesome. I've never felt so perfect in my life." He said.

Eric was given a card and was told to read it. "H-hang on, Morgan Freeman?" he asked a loud as the crowds cheered. Morgan came onto the stage and sat next to Stan. "Um… what brings you here?" Eric asked.

"Because I have some exciting news. I am giving up my incredible voice, for absolutely zero reason, to this perfect little boy." He said as the audience gasped.

"W-what?" Eric asked shocked.

"Yes, since Stan has charmed me with his looks, I could no longer come up with an argument why I shouldn't. So tonight, we will be performing the swap here, onstage, for everyone to see the greatest transformation ever made on television." Morgan said as Eric looked at the cameras in disgust.

* * *

Kyle and the others were watching the show live on their laptop, and Ben gasped at the news. "If Stan goes through with this, then he'll become something even worse." He said.

"What could be worse than a Mary Douche?" Kenny asked.

Ben sweated like a pig. "A Holly, Douche."

"Then we have to hurry, Al can this limo go any faster?" Kyle asked.

"Sorry kids, the speed limit here is 45 mile per hour, and I'm not going to break the laws just because I was the Vic-,"

"We get it, you were the Vice President!" they all groaned.

Wendy, not allowed to watch the show for reasons due to fainting, then thought of something and pulled her phone. "Hello? Oh, yes… oh you did see it? What was it? YOU SAW MANBEARPIG?!" she asked grabbing the attention of Al Gore.

"M-Manbearpig?" he asked getting twitchy.

"Where is it? It's at Fox studios?!" she said making Al Gore breath heavily and fly to the front of the car.

"DOUBLE TIME IT!" He shouted as the secret service man shrugged and stepped on it to the studio.

Wendy put her phone away as Kyle smirked. "Good thinking." He said as they hi-fived.

Shortly after arriving, the kids and Sue Hunters got out, but as they were heading to Eric's studio, Al Gore ran somewhere else. "AL! WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!" Kyle asked as Al Gore looked behind him.

"I have to confront Manbearpig. I know your friend is in trouble, but I know where I need to be, and I must do my final battle against the biggest threat to this planet. If I die, tell Bill, I'm proud he was almost the first gentleman, and his wife that she was and forever will be, a total douche bag. Excelsior!" he shouted while fake flying to another studio.

Ben grabbed the kids. "Forget about him, we have to stop Stan now!" he shouted as they all ran into the studio.

* * *

Inside, Stan and Morgan were on two operating tables, ready for their voice transplant. The doctor chosen for this, was Eric. "Dude, weak, I'm not a real do- I mean, surgeon, I just help people with emotional trauma!"

"Hey, a doctor is a doctor kid, and if you won't do it," the stage director then pulled out a Glock. "Then you will die. Rolling in 5!" he said smiling and walking away.

Eric looked at Stan nervously, but Stan was smiling back at Eric. "I trust you. You showed me that I needed to achieve perfection, so if you worked that miracle, you can work this miracle too." Stan said.

Eric gulped as he nervously held the knife. The theme started to play as the cameras all focused on Eric. Eric looked at his friend. "Well, time to perform… a mir-miricle better than…" he then stopped as the teleprompter pulled up something he feared would trigger Dr. Phil's men.

The operators pressured him to finish the line. Eric felt the guns pointed at him on both sides. "…the tumor on Dr. Phil's asshole." He finished as he heard and saw gun fire in the fleeing audience. Phil's crew came up to him on the stage, guns drawn on the fat tub of lard. Fox's people came after them shortly after.

"What's going on?!" The head of Fox demanded as he held a shotgun at Phil's legal team.

The lawyer pointed his gun at Eric. "This bastard is a rival! He must be killed!" he shouted as the third and final party, Kyle's party, came in to confront Stan.

"STAN! YO-, what the hell?" Kyle asked as everyone looked like they were ready to kill each other.

Eric looked at Kyle. "KYLE! Oh, thank you Jesus! You got to help me!" he begged.

Kyle saw Eric and warned him. "Don't come any closer fat ass, I still have a restraining order against you!"

"DON'T CALL ME FA-," Eric then stopped. "Wait. The restraining order?" he asked as he quickly asked the head of Fox. "Hey, how serious is it if I violate a restraining order?"

The head stumbled. "W-well, not much, just, uh." He sweated as the lawyer smiled.

"If you do, and get a high enough bond, Dr. Eric, your show will be in ruins! Forever gone!" he laughed as Eric smirked and looked at his copy of the order.

"Let's see, harassment, $25 thousand bond, name calling against his belief's and/or race $150k, and sexual harassment and assault… over 1.2 million each." Eric read as he then laughed and ran over to the Jew boy.

First, he kicked him in the nuts, then he started sexually harassing him, beating him up, and ripping him apart with his most powerful jokes, insults, presumptions, and anything that the Hebrews would find most offending words at him, until Kyle threw up.

Everybody then watched as the cops came in and arrested Eric. "Holly fuck kid! You're going to Juvie for a long time!" they shouted.

"Yes! Take me away from this awful place! Thank you, Kyle! Thank you, THANK YOU!" Eric shouted as he was placed into a cruiser and was driven away.

Kyle coughed. "Fuck. You. Cart. Man." He then passed out.

The head of Fox shouted: "NO! YOU RUINED EVERYTHING!" he shouted as he aimed for the knocked-out Kyle.

Kenny saw this and immediately got in front of the shotgun blast meant for Kyle, and he was then blasted into the wall.

Stan saw Kenny die and shed a tear. "Oh My god. YOU KILLED KENNY!" he shouted pointing at the head.

Kyle was conscious for a brief second and cried: "YOU! BASTARDS!"

Phil's team then withdrew their pistols. "Well, it seems that we have reached the end of our arch. Time to get go-," the were then stopped by the head of Fox and his team.

"You won't get away with this!" the head shouted as Lemming gulped.

"Oh shit, kid, get your shit and and we need to go!" he whispered to Wendy.

The lawyer and his crew aimed their guns at them. "We already have, bitch, and we'll keep coming, and coming, and coming until everything you own, is off the air." He said.

"Not if I stop you here and now!" The head shouted as they cocked their guns.

Wendy shielded her eyes as she ran to grab Stan. "Come on Stan!"

"No! I need this, I need to be perfect!" he shouted as Wendy growled.

"YOU'RE NOT PERFECT!" she shouted. "You aren't perfect. We all aren't perfect, you were perfect the way you were before our break up. I know you've been through hell because of me, but you need to stop trying to change who you are, Stan. Please." she started crying.

Stan looked at her, and then looked himself in the polished pan and saw he was not himself. "You're right." he said.

"SHOOT IF YOU DARE!" the lawyer shouted as Stan snapped out of it and got up.

"Let's get the hell out of here!" he shouted as Wendy ran with him, while Ben picked up Kyle. They all ran out the door just in time to hear the gunfire ensue.

* * *

At Hell's Pass Hospital...

"...and all the executives of Fox and Dr. Phil's legal team have been found dead. The possible cause of their deaths, according to the only survivor, Al Gore, said that: "Bearpigman, was responsible." Morgan Freeman was also there, but he was sleeping when the whole fiasco started and ended. He was not around to explain exactly what happened as he earned yet another freckle and fled the scene, as for Al Gore, he said he was heading to Canada, saying he'll continue to hunt Pigbearman there." The news reporter said as Kyle was recovering in a hospital bed, and while Stan was having a reverse perfection operation done to his face in another room.

In the room with Kyle, Ben, Gen, and Wendy sat as they watched the news.

"Well, I guess we won't have to deal with friendless Gore anymore." Ben said as Gen sighed in relief.

Wendy turned to them. "So, what happens now?" she asked.

Gen got up. "I guess head out, have some coffee." She said as her brother then added:

"Then, we go back to take on and take out sues like always." He said proudly getting up.

Wendy and Kyle awkwardly stared at them as Wendy cleared her throat. "Um, yeah, good luck you two." She said as the strange characters left for the door shouting:

"TO THE TWEEK BROTHERS! AWAY!" they shouted gayly.

After they cringed, Wendy came up to Kyle. "How do you feel?" she asked as Kyle was groaning.

"Kind of better. After taking a beating both physically, and mentally, the doc said I should be fine the next day," he said as there was a knock at the door.

Wendy jumped down and opened the door to see Stan back to his normal self. Wendy smiled. "That's better." She said as Stan smiled.

"Thanks. Listen, I'm sorry you guys had to deal with me at my worst. I was a self-centered douche bag, and I feel terrible for putting you all through it." He said.

Kyle smiled. "Well, a downer Stan is better than a douche-bag one."

"Actually, I'm neither Stan now," he said pulling out some pills. "The doc prescribed some anti-depressants, and its gotten me to think clearly now, and I've learned something. You shouldn't be a moppy bitch about the past. Sure, you wish you could still hold onto it, but you should move on from it, and enjoy the rest of your life. I also learned that perfection really sucks when get down to it. Plus, it makes you forget who your true self is, and makes you a fucking douche bag." He said as Wendy and Kyle smiled and nod in agreement.

"That's great, Stan." She said as she then rubbed the back of her neck. "I'm glad you can finally move past this. I'm sorry I put you through all of that, too. Maybe one day I'll trust boys enough to date them again, well, date you again, to be honest. Until then, I don't want to lose you as a friend Stan."

Stan smiled at that. "I don't either." He said as she hugged him and then walked to the door.

"I'll see you guys later, the speaker for the trees is needed in the amazon!" she said running out leaving Stan and Kyle behind.

* * *

The next day came as Stan and Kyle stood at the crossing sign. Stan held a post card from Peru, it had Wendy's greeting on the card, along with a picture of her chained to the trees while bulldozers were ready to knock the trees down with her.

"Jeez dude, hopefully she'll be alright." Kyle said as Stan pocketed the card.

"She's a tough cookie to break, I doubt she'll go down without a fight." He said confident in her.

As they waited, Kenny came by with the latest issue of Play-Boy, while Craig and Tweek followed him to the crossing. Tweek's eyes were fixed on Craig.

Kyle smiled. "So, did you figure out your ass addiction, Tweek?" Kyle asked as Tweek nodded.

"Yeah! His ass never looked finer." He said blushing as that made Craig smile.

"So happy." Craig added as the boys turned to Kenny.

"So Kenny, where have you been yesterday dude? You missed quite a show." Kyle asked.

"Oh, you know. The usual place." He lied, knowing what happened yesterday, and felt good taking the bullet for a friend.

But, off about 300 yards in the distance, a fat boy was waiting for the bus. "Dude this new order sucks ass." He said to himself as butters came up past him.

"Hey, Butters! Can you ask Kyle to maybe overlook this whole name calling, and beating him up business?" he asked as Butters held out his hand.

"3 dollars please."

"3 bucks! But the running fee yesterday was only 10 cents!" he shouted.

"Sorry Eric, dad said to raise my prices, so I can generate a better profit."

"B-but I don't have 3 dollars! All my cash went to my bail!" he shouted as Butters just walked away.

"Sorry, I don't serve penny-less bums." He said as he joined the group.

Eric sighed. "Soooo weak." As the credits rolled.

 _ **Author's Note:**_

 _ **First time in this universe. Good, bad? You decide by leaving a comment and a favorite if you liked it. More to come hopefully, have a good day/night my friends ^^**_


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